Cos I'm taking it, Step by Step

Miss here,

so another wonderful May Bank Holiday has come and gone and here I am, back in work, nothing has changed. Though not for want of trying...

As you may have noticed, this blog is about mine and Mr's terrible attempts at finding happiness or at least, a quick snog and a fumble. This leads to something of a dilemma for me. Because in order to find future happiness there are a few steps you need to follow in order to find 'the one' -

1) Find someone you're attracted to.
2) Talk to them to find out if they're an actual human being or just aother vaccuous shell of a body.
3) Flirt to let them know you have amourous intentions (the fact I am calling them 'amourous intentions' should give you a clue where this is going).
4) Make a move.
5) Courting - as the oldies call it.
6) U-Hauling.
7) Marriage/ Civil Partnership/ Hindi Blessing/ standing atop a mountain yodelling - whatever floats your boat romantically.
8) Cats/ Dogs/ Adopted foreign baby/ Arguments about where to get a sperm or womb from.

The thing is I am only good at step 5. And only slightly good at that. The rest of the steps scare the bejesus out of me. Please see the reasons why -

1) Find someone you're attracted to - Oh God then I will have to follow step 2.
2) Talk to them to find out if they're an actual human being or just aother vaccuous shell of a body - Now I have to think of a way to talk to them. Pick a subject, be cool, funny, don't look like a desperate cow.
3) Flirt to let them know you have amourous intentions (the fact I am calling them 'amourous intentions' should give you a clue where this is going) - When I flirt I either stand there scowling or become some Joan Collins parody of sexuality. The words 'subtle nuance' could never be applied to me. In fact, some people who I have thought I was on a date with have just assumed we were out for a quick bite to eat.
4) Make a move - I am most likely to act like Stan in South Park when he talks to that girl and just vomits over her. Seriously. No. Seriously.
5) Courting - as the oldies call it - this I do well. Cos you know the person likes you then, no pressure.
6) U-Hauling - the thought of coming home and waking up and eating dinner with the same person every day is petrifying. Where is my space? I sleep diagonally across the bed for Pete's sake.
7) Marriage/ Civil Partnership/ Hindi Blessing/ standing atop a mountain yodelling - whatever floats your boat romantically - Honeymoon I am all up for. Having to decide whether I should wear a dress or some suit whilst my family sits there uncomfortably and I give someone the power to take half my money, I'm not so keen on.
8) Cats/ Dogs/ Adopted foreign baby/ Arguments about where to get a sperm or womb from - Cats are evil. Dogs are amazing. Foreign baby will grow up and use his ethnicity as an excuse to get you to pay for really expensive holidays. Womb? No chance! I've seen Aliens.

So with all these pathetic fears in mind, my friend B is always trying to psychoanalyse me and tell me where I am going wrong. I made the mistake of telling her once I had a dream that I had a massive horse's penis and some builders saw me tossing myself off. Next thing I knew - out came the Freud books, dream interpretations, pschoanalysis. I was all ready to start therapy. But B suggested we start small and work on one step at a time. You know, completing step 2 before worrying about step 8 seemed rational.

So, in order to forget about the surrogate girlfriend, it has been decreed that everytime I go out I am to attempt a step until I become a master of it. So this weekend was the beginning of step 2. Thankfully, I have always been able to complete step 1.

People never believe me when I say I am shy because when I get to know you I become one of the loudest, stupidest, shameless people on the planet. But chances are, if you know me, you talked to me first and I didn't fancy you. During university I had a massive crush on this Greek girl and when she walked passed me and said 'Hi Miss' I actually turned to the wall and replied with a 'muh muh muh de buh' sound. I may have dribelled a little bit too. Another girl that I liked came over to my table in the pub to say 'Hello' and I decided the best topic of conversation to strike up was about canals and markets and how you can buy cheap batteries. Smooooooth.

So B offered me a lot of advice. How to look, position your body, topics of conversation. I immediately forgot them all. However, one bit of advice did stick with me - if you fancy a girl think of things you will have in common. Now I have fancied a girl called Sam for a little while and we have some mutual friends, but have never been introduced. So I decided that I would march up to her this weekend and introduce myself and start chatting about out mutual friends, places we've been etc.

So Sunday night I am out and I spot Sam up on the balcony with some friends. Sadly, none of our mutual friends are there so I am gonna have to be courageous. So I walk through the crowd confidently, walk past her friends and tap her on the shoulder. She turns round and gives me a look that says 'Uhhh yeah, what do you want?' But I am not to be put off. I am on a mission. I have advice. So it's full steam ahead.

Me - 'Excuse me are you Sam?'
Sam - 'What?'
Me - 'Are you Sam?'
Sam - 'What?'
Me - 'ARE YOU SAM?'
Sam - points at the massive amp she's stood in front of blasting out Girl's Aloud 'Sorry I can't hear you.'

Not joking, I hadn't noticed before. Maybe the blood was pumping too loudly in my ears. So Sam gets out her phone and puts it onto predictive text...which I can't use.

5 minutes later.

do.u.no.billy.

Sam - 'yeah'
Me - wild pointing. 'Is she here?'
Sam - 'No'

And with that she turns around, carries on dancing and grabs my mates arse. I think I am going to be on step 2 for a loooooong time.

On a serious note - any advice would be greatly appreciated.