You have to meet my mate Miss - she's just maaaaaaaad

Miss here...finally,

So it's probably been about a year or so since I have actually done anything on here. Sorry about that. I was busy getting myself into all sorts of tangled lesbian messes and heartbreak. Suffice to say, it wasn't a great year. This is what happens when Mr goes away, I have nobody telling me the sensible thing to do and, when left to my own devices, I tend to get a little (what's the word?) mental. Yes mental. That seems appropriate.

I have discovered that I am actually an emotional freak. Lovely. I have actually been referred to a psychotherapist by my doctor now because I am obviously in need of some rewiring.

Unfortunately I am not one of those mentals that goes mad, calls people crying, rants and raves, threatens to harm myself and others, takes a load of drugs and then goes running off into the night to find myself. No, I simply say nothing and vomit. Alot. Excessively some might say.

Quite a catch no? Form and orderly queue girls - one emotionally vacuous, very cheap dinner date available here who's also a great listener.

Therefore I have decided that the best thing to do is just stay away from lesbians altogether and then I will not be ill. In order to stay away from lesbians the best strategy seems to be leaving London, cos lesbians are everywhere in London. You can't move without bumping into a lesbian somewhere that knows someone you know. It certainly does not help my paranoia when I meet someone and they say 'Oh Miss, yeah I have heard of you. You know so and so'. Why have they heard about me? What have they heard? It's not normal!!! To be fair, nobody has ever heard anything bad about me. But that's besides the point. In my weird little head the whole of London is out to get me for reasons I can't understand. I am sure my therapist will say I obviously have some grand sense of self importance. She or he is probably right.

I have been thinking that I shall either do a Mr and go travelling to exotic places where I cannot speak to women because they don't speak English. But then I also have ideas of buying a little house in the country and getting a dog - sadly I have no money to buy a house and I would have to get a full time job and so can't have a dog. The last plan was convincing a group of investors I know to open a lesbian bar with me in Soho. That would cause something of an issue when trying to avoid lesbians but I am sure I can work around it. I just won't look at anyone when taking their drink orders and won't say anything. I will be world renowned for my hospitality. Lesbos will flock from all over to see the world's most sullen barmaid.

Other changes I have thought about -
* moving to the South of France (can't speak French)
* moving to America (the most realistic one yet, but the bastards won't give me a visa)
* inventing the digital autograph book (I know nothing about technology)
* running for Prime Minister at the next election (I think all one would need is a personality to win)
* winning an Oscar (I really need to write something Oscar worthy - or anything at all)
* applying to go on the next series of Paris Hilton's British Best Friend
* becoming best mates with Cheryl Cole (purely unselfish reasons - she obviously needs a good friend to tell her that Ashley is a waste of space)
* becoming a vigilante superhero (I have no money to create weapons and no superhuman powers have manifested themselves yet)

But the only thing I have done is joined a gym. Z says I need some direction in my life. Not many people know what they want to do so just spend their time idling away.

"A decision is better than no decision" she says. So I have decided to watch the next series of Dexter. There - someone more mental than me.