Miss here...finally,
So it's probably been about a year or so since I have actually done anything on here. Sorry about that. I was busy getting myself into all sorts of tangled lesbian messes and heartbreak. Suffice to say, it wasn't a great year. This is what happens when Mr goes away, I have nobody telling me the sensible thing to do and, when left to my own devices, I tend to get a little (what's the word?) mental. Yes mental. That seems appropriate.
I have discovered that I am actually an emotional freak. Lovely. I have actually been referred to a psychotherapist by my doctor now because I am obviously in need of some rewiring.
Unfortunately I am not one of those mentals that goes mad, calls people crying, rants and raves, threatens to harm myself and others, takes a load of drugs and then goes running off into the night to find myself. No, I simply say nothing and vomit. Alot. Excessively some might say.
Quite a catch no? Form and orderly queue girls - one emotionally vacuous, very cheap dinner date available here who's also a great listener.
Therefore I have decided that the best thing to do is just stay away from lesbians altogether and then I will not be ill. In order to stay away from lesbians the best strategy seems to be leaving London, cos lesbians are everywhere in London. You can't move without bumping into a lesbian somewhere that knows someone you know. It certainly does not help my paranoia when I meet someone and they say 'Oh Miss, yeah I have heard of you. You know so and so'. Why have they heard about me? What have they heard? It's not normal!!! To be fair, nobody has ever heard anything bad about me. But that's besides the point. In my weird little head the whole of London is out to get me for reasons I can't understand. I am sure my therapist will say I obviously have some grand sense of self importance. She or he is probably right.
I have been thinking that I shall either do a Mr and go travelling to exotic places where I cannot speak to women because they don't speak English. But then I also have ideas of buying a little house in the country and getting a dog - sadly I have no money to buy a house and I would have to get a full time job and so can't have a dog. The last plan was convincing a group of investors I know to open a lesbian bar with me in Soho. That would cause something of an issue when trying to avoid lesbians but I am sure I can work around it. I just won't look at anyone when taking their drink orders and won't say anything. I will be world renowned for my hospitality. Lesbos will flock from all over to see the world's most sullen barmaid.
Other changes I have thought about -
* moving to the South of France (can't speak French)
* moving to America (the most realistic one yet, but the bastards won't give me a visa)
* inventing the digital autograph book (I know nothing about technology)
* running for Prime Minister at the next election (I think all one would need is a personality to win)
* winning an Oscar (I really need to write something Oscar worthy - or anything at all)
* applying to go on the next series of Paris Hilton's British Best Friend
* becoming best mates with Cheryl Cole (purely unselfish reasons - she obviously needs a good friend to tell her that Ashley is a waste of space)
* becoming a vigilante superhero (I have no money to create weapons and no superhuman powers have manifested themselves yet)
But the only thing I have done is joined a gym. Z says I need some direction in my life. Not many people know what they want to do so just spend their time idling away.
"A decision is better than no decision" she says. So I have decided to watch the next series of Dexter. There - someone more mental than me.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Thursday, August 28, 2008
The Gay in Straight Man's Clothing
Mr here,
So I decided to go on a date wit the nice Geordie fellow. It turned out he was cycling all the way from Newcastle to London (impressive I know) and stopping off in my town for the night. So we decided to meet up so I could 'show him the sights'. Before we met he called to warn me that, as he was obviously travelling ultra-light on his travels, he would be a bit scruffy. 'Cool' I though, he's not going to be a prick.
We met in a pub, got along great, and...AND I actually fancied him. For the first time in 2 years I was on a date with someone I fancied and could not believe it. And even nice, wa sthe fact that he didn't seem to have a cynical bone in his body. He was so happy and sweet and innocent that when he asked me if I wanted to go up to his hotel room for a drink, it really was just for a drink. And a soft one at that. However when we'd gotten into bed, his innocence showed in other ways...
Ok so basically I just don't get how a man can get to the ripe old age of 30 and still not decided if he fancies fannies or cocks. He claimed to be bisexual, yet had never even kissed a bloke (and refused out-right to kiss me). He claimed to have slept with girls before yet acted completely and totally gob-smacked when, well, I think this choice quote sums it all up: "Eee I cannae believe you're sucking me cock like, tha's champion that is pet". He literally gave a running commentary all the way through. And then after he'd cum and I lay there wallowing in self pity at the thought of adding yet another morbidly fascinating though horrifically eccentric notch to my bedpost, he took the matter into his own hands and talked himself through the motions like a kid tying their shoelaces. I very nearly screamed 'Just fucking toss me off already!' Fortunately I didn't, instead just swatting him away like a pesky fly, leaving him to enthusiastically comment on his sexual awakenings.
Feeling a bit that woman off that programme who deflowered that poor 40 year old virgin, I left the hotel the next morning and crept into my bed hoping nobody would notice I had been gone. It wasn't long before I had a text from the Geordie telling me what a great time he'd had and how I made him feel 'elated'.
Elated.
Since then I have had numerous drunken texts from him telling me he can 'still smell [me]' Clearly I have created a monster and it's such a shame because he had an amaaaaazing body.
So I decided to go on a date wit the nice Geordie fellow. It turned out he was cycling all the way from Newcastle to London (impressive I know) and stopping off in my town for the night. So we decided to meet up so I could 'show him the sights'. Before we met he called to warn me that, as he was obviously travelling ultra-light on his travels, he would be a bit scruffy. 'Cool' I though, he's not going to be a prick.
We met in a pub, got along great, and...AND I actually fancied him. For the first time in 2 years I was on a date with someone I fancied and could not believe it. And even nice, wa sthe fact that he didn't seem to have a cynical bone in his body. He was so happy and sweet and innocent that when he asked me if I wanted to go up to his hotel room for a drink, it really was just for a drink. And a soft one at that. However when we'd gotten into bed, his innocence showed in other ways...
Ok so basically I just don't get how a man can get to the ripe old age of 30 and still not decided if he fancies fannies or cocks. He claimed to be bisexual, yet had never even kissed a bloke (and refused out-right to kiss me). He claimed to have slept with girls before yet acted completely and totally gob-smacked when, well, I think this choice quote sums it all up: "Eee I cannae believe you're sucking me cock like, tha's champion that is pet". He literally gave a running commentary all the way through. And then after he'd cum and I lay there wallowing in self pity at the thought of adding yet another morbidly fascinating though horrifically eccentric notch to my bedpost, he took the matter into his own hands and talked himself through the motions like a kid tying their shoelaces. I very nearly screamed 'Just fucking toss me off already!' Fortunately I didn't, instead just swatting him away like a pesky fly, leaving him to enthusiastically comment on his sexual awakenings.
Feeling a bit that woman off that programme who deflowered that poor 40 year old virgin, I left the hotel the next morning and crept into my bed hoping nobody would notice I had been gone. It wasn't long before I had a text from the Geordie telling me what a great time he'd had and how I made him feel 'elated'.
Elated.
Since then I have had numerous drunken texts from him telling me he can 'still smell [me]' Clearly I have created a monster and it's such a shame because he had an amaaaaazing body.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Win a Date With Mr Worst Gay
Hi, Mr here,
So, turn up for the books, I have 3 people asking me for dates. And I need your help to decide which one to go on. To cut to the chase the options are between:
1) Some guy I got off with about 3 months ago in Popstarz. He has been bugging me to go down to London to see him ever since. I, for love nor money, cannot remember what he looks like. On the phone he sounds posh and nice. But that's on the phone. My friend F say she was nice in person, but she is genereally unreliable. He is rich and has a good job and a lovely family by the sounds of it.
I did however manage to coax his surname out of him so I do believe that a social networking site stalking mission will commence in order to find further information.
2) A significantly older gentleman (43 no less) who I have been chatting to for well over a year. We have never met but do have an awful lot in common (I, having significantly older siblings, have always favoured the older campanion). He is rich and well travelled and I want to be rich and well travelled. He has already offered to take me to Milan, Amsterdam and Australia. Thing is, I - having already decided that at the age of 43 there could not possibly be any physical attraction there whatsoever - have never even dared glance at a photo of the guy (despite them being readily available). Thing is though I will quite readily sleep with people in exchange for financial/material gain. I do believe this is called prostitution. However when at universiaty and you are in desperate need of a hot meal and a 20 deck of marlboro lights you over look this fact. Even when you and your flatmate are bored on a bank holiday monday and have a sudden urge to watch the Lion King, sleeping with a horrifically overweight and sweaty ex-boyfriend purely in order to acquire said DVD seems acceptable. So in conclusion, he is a definite option. Poor guy.
3) Last and by no means least is a guy I have recently been conversing with via a dating webiste. He lives rather far away (Newcastle) but is actually good looking would you believe. And aren't all Geordie's lovely? Cheryl Cole - check, my best friend up north (C) - check, Jimmy Nail, Check. Anyway he is 'stopping by' in my little town for one night next weekend and really does want to meet up.
Here are my parametres:
I am saving like nothing else to go travelling next year and have already bought my round-the-world ticket. I can afford but one social night a month and this means 2 pints down the local. Ergo I can only afford to go on one of these dates. Posh guy wants me to go to London which, fair enough I would gladly do, but would easily get wrapped up spending time with Miss and the gang. Older guy wants to take me to all sorts of after parties and cool places but, again, it means going to London.
Geordie Racer is coming to my town which means no excessive spending. Plus I actually fancy him. But he is VERY keen. Which is rubbish. Right?
Ideas? Thoughts?
So, turn up for the books, I have 3 people asking me for dates. And I need your help to decide which one to go on. To cut to the chase the options are between:
1) Some guy I got off with about 3 months ago in Popstarz. He has been bugging me to go down to London to see him ever since. I, for love nor money, cannot remember what he looks like. On the phone he sounds posh and nice. But that's on the phone. My friend F say she was nice in person, but she is genereally unreliable. He is rich and has a good job and a lovely family by the sounds of it.
I did however manage to coax his surname out of him so I do believe that a social networking site stalking mission will commence in order to find further information.
2) A significantly older gentleman (43 no less) who I have been chatting to for well over a year. We have never met but do have an awful lot in common (I, having significantly older siblings, have always favoured the older campanion). He is rich and well travelled and I want to be rich and well travelled. He has already offered to take me to Milan, Amsterdam and Australia. Thing is, I - having already decided that at the age of 43 there could not possibly be any physical attraction there whatsoever - have never even dared glance at a photo of the guy (despite them being readily available). Thing is though I will quite readily sleep with people in exchange for financial/material gain. I do believe this is called prostitution. However when at universiaty and you are in desperate need of a hot meal and a 20 deck of marlboro lights you over look this fact. Even when you and your flatmate are bored on a bank holiday monday and have a sudden urge to watch the Lion King, sleeping with a horrifically overweight and sweaty ex-boyfriend purely in order to acquire said DVD seems acceptable. So in conclusion, he is a definite option. Poor guy.
3) Last and by no means least is a guy I have recently been conversing with via a dating webiste. He lives rather far away (Newcastle) but is actually good looking would you believe. And aren't all Geordie's lovely? Cheryl Cole - check, my best friend up north (C) - check, Jimmy Nail, Check. Anyway he is 'stopping by' in my little town for one night next weekend and really does want to meet up.
Here are my parametres:
I am saving like nothing else to go travelling next year and have already bought my round-the-world ticket. I can afford but one social night a month and this means 2 pints down the local. Ergo I can only afford to go on one of these dates. Posh guy wants me to go to London which, fair enough I would gladly do, but would easily get wrapped up spending time with Miss and the gang. Older guy wants to take me to all sorts of after parties and cool places but, again, it means going to London.
Geordie Racer is coming to my town which means no excessive spending. Plus I actually fancy him. But he is VERY keen. Which is rubbish. Right?
Ideas? Thoughts?
Monday, August 4, 2008
It's a Nice Day for a White Wedding
Hi there, Mr here
This time of year means only 1 thing. Actually 2. Gay pride festivals and wedding season. Gay pride perhaps being the antithesis of the celebration of the nuclear family, but because it's hot and sunny and that, they seem to occur around the same time.
This year I didn't have a choice on which to attend as perhaps my nearest and dearest family member was finally tying the knot. After years of listening to her bitch, moan and cry over men I finally got to see her walk up the ailse and commit the rest of her life to the man of her dreams.
However proud this might make me feel I have always had a bit of a problem with attending weddings. I'm not sure if it's a bit of jealousy that I will never really be able to experience it myself, a general uncomfortable feeling I get when faced with such a grand public display of affection (bleurgh) or, most likely, just general boredom at having to stand around so much. Either way I'm just counting down the minutes until I can get my hands on the free booze.
Apart from the general awkward situations of elderly, kept-in-the-dark relatives asking me when I would be getting married I had to face other demeaning situations. The worst occurred during the photo taking bit, when it was demanded that a photo be taken of 'all siblings and their partners'. Of course, I am the only one without a partner. So I had to stand on the end, alone. I even got the sense the photographer would have preferred me not be in it as I was ruining the symmetry of the shot. My sister tried to make some joke about enlisting the services of one of the cute waiters to act as my partner but I think she was missing the point. I hadn't not brought a 'plus 1' to the wedding because I'm gay. It's because I'm just unloveable.
So in order to keep my morale up for the rest of the night I decided there was only one thing to do to see me through. Get drunk, turn on my own unique charm and make a bee-line for the older, fun-loving single females, who always love me.
It helped somewhat that I had pulled off an absolutely awesome (and wonderfully camp) tongue-in-cheek reading previously at the church and had been congratulated on my perfect comic timing since. However come the wrapping up of the ceremonies, and after the bride and groom had had their first dance, the attention of the guests were starting to draw towards their other halves in slow dances and not the bride's pissed little brother. So, in order to regain that attention I performed an absolutely spot-on 'Dirty Dancing Lift', courtesy of a couple of big strong men who paraded me around the dance floor like something out of the 'Material Girl' video. Needless to say it was very well received.
Of course I joke somewhat and realise that it was indeed the bride and groom's special day. However come 6am when literally everyone has gone to bed bar the gay younger brother, the single mum in her 30s, her teenage daughter and her honorary 'auntie', and we all have to crash in the same hotel room in order to save money, making prnak phone calls to reception while all the couples enjoy each other's compnay in their nice double rooms; I couldn't help but think that weddings just don't favour the single.
This time of year means only 1 thing. Actually 2. Gay pride festivals and wedding season. Gay pride perhaps being the antithesis of the celebration of the nuclear family, but because it's hot and sunny and that, they seem to occur around the same time.
This year I didn't have a choice on which to attend as perhaps my nearest and dearest family member was finally tying the knot. After years of listening to her bitch, moan and cry over men I finally got to see her walk up the ailse and commit the rest of her life to the man of her dreams.
However proud this might make me feel I have always had a bit of a problem with attending weddings. I'm not sure if it's a bit of jealousy that I will never really be able to experience it myself, a general uncomfortable feeling I get when faced with such a grand public display of affection (bleurgh) or, most likely, just general boredom at having to stand around so much. Either way I'm just counting down the minutes until I can get my hands on the free booze.
Apart from the general awkward situations of elderly, kept-in-the-dark relatives asking me when I would be getting married I had to face other demeaning situations. The worst occurred during the photo taking bit, when it was demanded that a photo be taken of 'all siblings and their partners'. Of course, I am the only one without a partner. So I had to stand on the end, alone. I even got the sense the photographer would have preferred me not be in it as I was ruining the symmetry of the shot. My sister tried to make some joke about enlisting the services of one of the cute waiters to act as my partner but I think she was missing the point. I hadn't not brought a 'plus 1' to the wedding because I'm gay. It's because I'm just unloveable.
So in order to keep my morale up for the rest of the night I decided there was only one thing to do to see me through. Get drunk, turn on my own unique charm and make a bee-line for the older, fun-loving single females, who always love me.
It helped somewhat that I had pulled off an absolutely awesome (and wonderfully camp) tongue-in-cheek reading previously at the church and had been congratulated on my perfect comic timing since. However come the wrapping up of the ceremonies, and after the bride and groom had had their first dance, the attention of the guests were starting to draw towards their other halves in slow dances and not the bride's pissed little brother. So, in order to regain that attention I performed an absolutely spot-on 'Dirty Dancing Lift', courtesy of a couple of big strong men who paraded me around the dance floor like something out of the 'Material Girl' video. Needless to say it was very well received.
Of course I joke somewhat and realise that it was indeed the bride and groom's special day. However come 6am when literally everyone has gone to bed bar the gay younger brother, the single mum in her 30s, her teenage daughter and her honorary 'auntie', and we all have to crash in the same hotel room in order to save money, making prnak phone calls to reception while all the couples enjoy each other's compnay in their nice double rooms; I couldn't help but think that weddings just don't favour the single.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Got Myself a Walking, Talking, Crying, Something Living Doll
Miss here,
So I have recently joined the world of internet dating. I have generally avoided this because I have always dreaded the question “So where did you two meet?” and having to reply “A website”. Cue knowing smirks and the fact that everyone knows you’re a loser that can’t get a date with anyone that’s not desperate.
But apparently that’s not the case in Gay World. I recently found out the three of my close couple friends all met online. And they’re good looking people, there’s no reason that they would have to do this. So I did some asking and got the reply ‘Oh God Miss how fucking old are you? Everyone knows the lesbian scene is shite so you have to pick and mix your own’. Oh right then.
Thing is did try it before. That’s how I ended up with the paedophile girl. And I got kicked off Gaydar Girls for apparently being homophobic. All I said was that I had been forced to join this website by my best friend who has a gun to my head and I don’t want to hear from any of you freaks. Now I didn’t mean all lesbians are freaks obviously, I meant that I didn’t want to hear from all those people with emotional issues; and let’s be honest loads of lesbians have ‘issues’.
But the powers that be wouldn’t listen to me and so I was booted out of Gaydar club.
So with those two experiences behind me the closest thing I got to internet dating is poking friends of friends on Facebook. It’s safe, you have things in common, and you don’t look like a mental. But after learning about this new found tolerance I set myself up on a relatively obscure dating website with a serious profile and the one decent pic of myself.
Then I sat back and waited. I thought, I am going to be chased for once. Bring on the girls. I will not go all out to impress someone when they obviously like someone else this time. No, if they come to me then obviously they are interested and that’s half the battle fought.
27 people have contacted me in the last week, in my opinion those are some good odds. Now let me tell you about the people I have heard from...
16 of those don’t have profile pics. Why? It’s not hard. Half the world has a Facebook profile with half their life caught on camera and uploaded. Don’t tell me you don’t know how. It’s obvious you’re ugly.
Following on from this – don’t put your occupation as ‘Model’ if you don’t have a profile pic and you’ve listed your height as 5”2.
Of the 27 there 19 women who don’t even live in the same city as me. In fact one person emailed me from Colorado and another from Syria. I don’t want to be a pessimist but I don’t think that relationship is going to work.
Two women emailed looking for friends. I don’t need friends. I have too many friends if anything. Any time I bloody talk to someone I end up being their friend. Why don’t you have friends in the real world?? Who did you go to school with? Who do you work with? Do you go out?
I have received emails saying things like this “If ure horny an up 4 nefink mail me an we can av sum fun XxXx” and “Hot horney single mum seeks strict partner” and a plethora of people called things like ‘Wild Gal’ and ‘Crazy Chick’ who describe themselves as both wild and crazy. Many would do absolutely anything for a laugh and their friends would describe them as wild and crazy. I don’t know how I gave the impression that I was looking for a horny retard with no self control over any impulses but there we go…
Of the 11 women who have kindly supplied pictures – 5 are obese, 3 look like they are in jail, 2 look like hookers and one is actually attractive, but is a Wild Chick that lives in Northumberland or something.
So I mentioned this to my friend B who is somewhat wiser than me on all things dating and sexual and she kindly told me that internet dating was acceptable about 3 years ago and now people only use the internet to organise group sex. So I asked about all the people that weren’t in relationships and were looking for someone on the internet. Apparently we’re just living sex toys for the happy couples.
So I have recently joined the world of internet dating. I have generally avoided this because I have always dreaded the question “So where did you two meet?” and having to reply “A website”. Cue knowing smirks and the fact that everyone knows you’re a loser that can’t get a date with anyone that’s not desperate.
But apparently that’s not the case in Gay World. I recently found out the three of my close couple friends all met online. And they’re good looking people, there’s no reason that they would have to do this. So I did some asking and got the reply ‘Oh God Miss how fucking old are you? Everyone knows the lesbian scene is shite so you have to pick and mix your own’. Oh right then.
Thing is did try it before. That’s how I ended up with the paedophile girl. And I got kicked off Gaydar Girls for apparently being homophobic. All I said was that I had been forced to join this website by my best friend who has a gun to my head and I don’t want to hear from any of you freaks. Now I didn’t mean all lesbians are freaks obviously, I meant that I didn’t want to hear from all those people with emotional issues; and let’s be honest loads of lesbians have ‘issues’.
But the powers that be wouldn’t listen to me and so I was booted out of Gaydar club.
So with those two experiences behind me the closest thing I got to internet dating is poking friends of friends on Facebook. It’s safe, you have things in common, and you don’t look like a mental. But after learning about this new found tolerance I set myself up on a relatively obscure dating website with a serious profile and the one decent pic of myself.
Then I sat back and waited. I thought, I am going to be chased for once. Bring on the girls. I will not go all out to impress someone when they obviously like someone else this time. No, if they come to me then obviously they are interested and that’s half the battle fought.
27 people have contacted me in the last week, in my opinion those are some good odds. Now let me tell you about the people I have heard from...
16 of those don’t have profile pics. Why? It’s not hard. Half the world has a Facebook profile with half their life caught on camera and uploaded. Don’t tell me you don’t know how. It’s obvious you’re ugly.
Following on from this – don’t put your occupation as ‘Model’ if you don’t have a profile pic and you’ve listed your height as 5”2.
Of the 27 there 19 women who don’t even live in the same city as me. In fact one person emailed me from Colorado and another from Syria. I don’t want to be a pessimist but I don’t think that relationship is going to work.
Two women emailed looking for friends. I don’t need friends. I have too many friends if anything. Any time I bloody talk to someone I end up being their friend. Why don’t you have friends in the real world?? Who did you go to school with? Who do you work with? Do you go out?
I have received emails saying things like this “If ure horny an up 4 nefink mail me an we can av sum fun XxXx” and “Hot horney single mum seeks strict partner” and a plethora of people called things like ‘Wild Gal’ and ‘Crazy Chick’ who describe themselves as both wild and crazy. Many would do absolutely anything for a laugh and their friends would describe them as wild and crazy. I don’t know how I gave the impression that I was looking for a horny retard with no self control over any impulses but there we go…
Of the 11 women who have kindly supplied pictures – 5 are obese, 3 look like they are in jail, 2 look like hookers and one is actually attractive, but is a Wild Chick that lives in Northumberland or something.
So I mentioned this to my friend B who is somewhat wiser than me on all things dating and sexual and she kindly told me that internet dating was acceptable about 3 years ago and now people only use the internet to organise group sex. So I asked about all the people that weren’t in relationships and were looking for someone on the internet. Apparently we’re just living sex toys for the happy couples.
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Hi Mr here,
Sorry it has been so long and that you have had to put up with Miss all this time! I may be wrong but I can't help but feel that in her last blog, definition number 5, the 'Smug Bastard', was maybe a bit of a reference to myself.
Anyway last time we spoke I made a plan to be mean to my 'boyfriend' in an attempt to make him want to break up with me. How did I go about this? Basically I ignored him. I didn't want to actually be mean to him. I'm not nasty. I just acted terrible at responding to texts and phonecalls and when I did reply I excused my tardiness with explanations that would hopefully make him feel ill. Diarrhea, hemorrhoids you name it I had it and it was impeding me from contacting or seeing him.
It's now been about three weeks since I saw him or even really spoke to him. In an attempt to find out how he feels about that I created a fake facebook profile for one of his mates. I then emailed him asking how he was, what he'd been up to, how's his love life etc. And (this is how stupid he is) he fell for it, telling me all I needed to know. 'All blokes are complete nightmares', 'my love life could be loads better' etc etc.
He hasn't attempted contact for a week now. i think the message has gotten across.
Sorry it has been so long and that you have had to put up with Miss all this time! I may be wrong but I can't help but feel that in her last blog, definition number 5, the 'Smug Bastard', was maybe a bit of a reference to myself.
Anyway last time we spoke I made a plan to be mean to my 'boyfriend' in an attempt to make him want to break up with me. How did I go about this? Basically I ignored him. I didn't want to actually be mean to him. I'm not nasty. I just acted terrible at responding to texts and phonecalls and when I did reply I excused my tardiness with explanations that would hopefully make him feel ill. Diarrhea, hemorrhoids you name it I had it and it was impeding me from contacting or seeing him.
It's now been about three weeks since I saw him or even really spoke to him. In an attempt to find out how he feels about that I created a fake facebook profile for one of his mates. I then emailed him asking how he was, what he'd been up to, how's his love life etc. And (this is how stupid he is) he fell for it, telling me all I needed to know. 'All blokes are complete nightmares', 'my love life could be loads better' etc etc.
He hasn't attempted contact for a week now. i think the message has gotten across.
Friday, June 6, 2008
I'll Get Over You, I Know I Will. I'll Pretend My Ships Not Sinking
Miss here (again),
Recently I have become surrounded by people that have been jilted in love...myself included. And I have been taking note of the different ways that people use to cope with the feelings of rejection and hurt and what they hope to achieve by it.
1) The Drunk - obviously will spend as much time as possible inebriated. Will change moods quickly; one moment staring vacantly into space, the next singing along to Yaz's 'Only You' with tears in their eyes, followed by an attitude filled rendition of 'I Don't Need a Man' by the Pussycat Dolls and then taking out their phone and to send a muddled heart wrenching yet angry text before having it taken off them. Will end the night lying on the floor with a can of Fosters singing 'Nothing Compares to You' whilst explaining why the words ring true.
What they hope to achieve - they secretly desire the ex that has hurt them will walk in and see the effect they have had. If they can see how hurt you are they will want to rescue you because they can not bare to see you in this much pain. On the flip side, if this doesn't work you will hopefully drink yourself numb of emotions.
The reality - the ex will thank God they managed to get out before your emotional issues bubbled to the surface, you turned to smack to cope and started nicking their stuff to fund your habit. May also find you somewhat pathetic for not being able to handle things.
2) The Bed Ridden - most recently summarised in SATC. Will not get out of bed for weeks, will not leave the house, lives in the dark, will scuttle into a room and lock the door if you approach them. If you do manage to get in their room then they will refuse to look at you and most likely roll over before telling you to 'Just leave me to die' in a quiet, yet heavy, voice.
What they hope to achieve - much like the above, the ex will see the effect they have had on you and will see that your life is not worth living without them. You loved them so much that without them your soul has become lead.
The reality - Your ex probably left you because you're a miserable fucker that constantly sulked when you couldn't get your own way.
3) The Rebounder - Will go out and shag anything that moves and will act like nothing is wrong at all. When questioned about how things are regarding their ex they will usually reply with "Who?? Oh them! God I haven't thought about them for ages, seems like a lifetime ago. Yesterday's news darling. Now have you met 'so and so'. They're a model and a millionaire and have 80 Porsches."
What they hope to achieve - Your ex will see how desirable you are and immediately regret their decision and be consumed by jealousy.
The reality - you're not fooling anyyone. We all know your pride has been damaged and so you're just trying to make yourself feel better. Unfortunately, the rest of the world just thinks you're a slag and your ex will look at you as used and dirty goods.
What they hope to achieve - this an attempt to say a great big 'FUCK YOU' to your ex. If you had stayed together then you could be partaking in all these interesting adventures with me and your life could be as amazing as mine. But you left me, so now you have to just live your boring, normal life whilst I am out being fabulous.
The reality - your ex probably left you cos you're a boring, smug bastard and your new found 'zest for life' smacks of a man in a midlife crisis. Stop trying so hard, you look desperate.
6) The Stalker - pretty routine. Will call at all hours, send things to work and home, leave you presents, sing songs outside your window. Will probably get nasty after a while if you don't give in. May slaughter a beloved pet and leave it boiling on a stove whilst you are out of the house.
What they hope to achieve - they think they're being super romantic and have put you on a pedastal. You are there to be worshipped...but after a while you must worship me back or I will KILL YOU!!! When the ex realises how much they are loved and how far you are willing to go for that love - how could they possibly refuse you?
The reality - you will only end up with frostbite and a restraining order. Let it go.
Please don't think I am judging you. I am writing this from experience. I have been all of these at one point or another.
Recently I have become surrounded by people that have been jilted in love...myself included. And I have been taking note of the different ways that people use to cope with the feelings of rejection and hurt and what they hope to achieve by it.
1) The Drunk - obviously will spend as much time as possible inebriated. Will change moods quickly; one moment staring vacantly into space, the next singing along to Yaz's 'Only You' with tears in their eyes, followed by an attitude filled rendition of 'I Don't Need a Man' by the Pussycat Dolls and then taking out their phone and to send a muddled heart wrenching yet angry text before having it taken off them. Will end the night lying on the floor with a can of Fosters singing 'Nothing Compares to You' whilst explaining why the words ring true.
What they hope to achieve - they secretly desire the ex that has hurt them will walk in and see the effect they have had. If they can see how hurt you are they will want to rescue you because they can not bare to see you in this much pain. On the flip side, if this doesn't work you will hopefully drink yourself numb of emotions.
The reality - the ex will thank God they managed to get out before your emotional issues bubbled to the surface, you turned to smack to cope and started nicking their stuff to fund your habit. May also find you somewhat pathetic for not being able to handle things.
2) The Bed Ridden - most recently summarised in SATC. Will not get out of bed for weeks, will not leave the house, lives in the dark, will scuttle into a room and lock the door if you approach them. If you do manage to get in their room then they will refuse to look at you and most likely roll over before telling you to 'Just leave me to die' in a quiet, yet heavy, voice.
What they hope to achieve - much like the above, the ex will see the effect they have had on you and will see that your life is not worth living without them. You loved them so much that without them your soul has become lead.
The reality - Your ex probably left you because you're a miserable fucker that constantly sulked when you couldn't get your own way.
3) The Rebounder - Will go out and shag anything that moves and will act like nothing is wrong at all. When questioned about how things are regarding their ex they will usually reply with "Who?? Oh them! God I haven't thought about them for ages, seems like a lifetime ago. Yesterday's news darling. Now have you met 'so and so'. They're a model and a millionaire and have 80 Porsches."
What they hope to achieve - Your ex will see how desirable you are and immediately regret their decision and be consumed by jealousy.
The reality - you're not fooling anyyone. We all know your pride has been damaged and so you're just trying to make yourself feel better. Unfortunately, the rest of the world just thinks you're a slag and your ex will look at you as used and dirty goods.
4) The Sensible - will stay in contact with the ex and try to keep things amicable. Will talk daily about things and try and keep a lid on their temper. The Sensible person will most often be heard saying 'But I really hope we can still be friends'.
What they hope to achieve - They don't want anyone to see that they actually have emotions. That is weakness. In keeping up a charade of pretending to be friends they get to keep the emotional crutch of their relationship and prevent the ex moving on before they do. Either by confusing the ex into wondering if they are actually still together or by making them feel really, really guilty.
The reality - won't last for long. Everyone around the ex will be telling them to put some distance between you and move on. Plus they probably dumped you because you're an unemotional robot with no passion.
5) The Smug Bastard - will pretend that life is absolutely fabulous. In fact, it's never been better. Will secretly stalk their ex and then beat them at whatever they are doing. For example, the Smug Bastard will find out their ex is going to the dog track, so book themselves into the Queen's enclosure at Royal Ascot. They start doing crazy things like skydiving in an attempt to appear interesting. Will probably decide to go travelling and see the world.
What they hope to achieve - this an attempt to say a great big 'FUCK YOU' to your ex. If you had stayed together then you could be partaking in all these interesting adventures with me and your life could be as amazing as mine. But you left me, so now you have to just live your boring, normal life whilst I am out being fabulous.
The reality - your ex probably left you cos you're a boring, smug bastard and your new found 'zest for life' smacks of a man in a midlife crisis. Stop trying so hard, you look desperate.
6) The Stalker - pretty routine. Will call at all hours, send things to work and home, leave you presents, sing songs outside your window. Will probably get nasty after a while if you don't give in. May slaughter a beloved pet and leave it boiling on a stove whilst you are out of the house.
What they hope to achieve - they think they're being super romantic and have put you on a pedastal. You are there to be worshipped...but after a while you must worship me back or I will KILL YOU!!! When the ex realises how much they are loved and how far you are willing to go for that love - how could they possibly refuse you?
The reality - you will only end up with frostbite and a restraining order. Let it go.
Please don't think I am judging you. I am writing this from experience. I have been all of these at one point or another.
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