Miss here,
So I have recently joined the world of internet dating. I have generally avoided this because I have always dreaded the question “So where did you two meet?” and having to reply “A website”. Cue knowing smirks and the fact that everyone knows you’re a loser that can’t get a date with anyone that’s not desperate.
But apparently that’s not the case in Gay World. I recently found out the three of my close couple friends all met online. And they’re good looking people, there’s no reason that they would have to do this. So I did some asking and got the reply ‘Oh God Miss how fucking old are you? Everyone knows the lesbian scene is shite so you have to pick and mix your own’. Oh right then.
Thing is did try it before. That’s how I ended up with the paedophile girl. And I got kicked off Gaydar Girls for apparently being homophobic. All I said was that I had been forced to join this website by my best friend who has a gun to my head and I don’t want to hear from any of you freaks. Now I didn’t mean all lesbians are freaks obviously, I meant that I didn’t want to hear from all those people with emotional issues; and let’s be honest loads of lesbians have ‘issues’.
But the powers that be wouldn’t listen to me and so I was booted out of Gaydar club.
So with those two experiences behind me the closest thing I got to internet dating is poking friends of friends on Facebook. It’s safe, you have things in common, and you don’t look like a mental. But after learning about this new found tolerance I set myself up on a relatively obscure dating website with a serious profile and the one decent pic of myself.
Then I sat back and waited. I thought, I am going to be chased for once. Bring on the girls. I will not go all out to impress someone when they obviously like someone else this time. No, if they come to me then obviously they are interested and that’s half the battle fought.
27 people have contacted me in the last week, in my opinion those are some good odds. Now let me tell you about the people I have heard from...
16 of those don’t have profile pics. Why? It’s not hard. Half the world has a Facebook profile with half their life caught on camera and uploaded. Don’t tell me you don’t know how. It’s obvious you’re ugly.
Following on from this – don’t put your occupation as ‘Model’ if you don’t have a profile pic and you’ve listed your height as 5”2.
Of the 27 there 19 women who don’t even live in the same city as me. In fact one person emailed me from Colorado and another from Syria. I don’t want to be a pessimist but I don’t think that relationship is going to work.
Two women emailed looking for friends. I don’t need friends. I have too many friends if anything. Any time I bloody talk to someone I end up being their friend. Why don’t you have friends in the real world?? Who did you go to school with? Who do you work with? Do you go out?
I have received emails saying things like this “If ure horny an up 4 nefink mail me an we can av sum fun XxXx” and “Hot horney single mum seeks strict partner” and a plethora of people called things like ‘Wild Gal’ and ‘Crazy Chick’ who describe themselves as both wild and crazy. Many would do absolutely anything for a laugh and their friends would describe them as wild and crazy. I don’t know how I gave the impression that I was looking for a horny retard with no self control over any impulses but there we go…
Of the 11 women who have kindly supplied pictures – 5 are obese, 3 look like they are in jail, 2 look like hookers and one is actually attractive, but is a Wild Chick that lives in Northumberland or something.
So I mentioned this to my friend B who is somewhat wiser than me on all things dating and sexual and she kindly told me that internet dating was acceptable about 3 years ago and now people only use the internet to organise group sex. So I asked about all the people that weren’t in relationships and were looking for someone on the internet. Apparently we’re just living sex toys for the happy couples.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Hi Mr here,
Sorry it has been so long and that you have had to put up with Miss all this time! I may be wrong but I can't help but feel that in her last blog, definition number 5, the 'Smug Bastard', was maybe a bit of a reference to myself.
Anyway last time we spoke I made a plan to be mean to my 'boyfriend' in an attempt to make him want to break up with me. How did I go about this? Basically I ignored him. I didn't want to actually be mean to him. I'm not nasty. I just acted terrible at responding to texts and phonecalls and when I did reply I excused my tardiness with explanations that would hopefully make him feel ill. Diarrhea, hemorrhoids you name it I had it and it was impeding me from contacting or seeing him.
It's now been about three weeks since I saw him or even really spoke to him. In an attempt to find out how he feels about that I created a fake facebook profile for one of his mates. I then emailed him asking how he was, what he'd been up to, how's his love life etc. And (this is how stupid he is) he fell for it, telling me all I needed to know. 'All blokes are complete nightmares', 'my love life could be loads better' etc etc.
He hasn't attempted contact for a week now. i think the message has gotten across.
Sorry it has been so long and that you have had to put up with Miss all this time! I may be wrong but I can't help but feel that in her last blog, definition number 5, the 'Smug Bastard', was maybe a bit of a reference to myself.
Anyway last time we spoke I made a plan to be mean to my 'boyfriend' in an attempt to make him want to break up with me. How did I go about this? Basically I ignored him. I didn't want to actually be mean to him. I'm not nasty. I just acted terrible at responding to texts and phonecalls and when I did reply I excused my tardiness with explanations that would hopefully make him feel ill. Diarrhea, hemorrhoids you name it I had it and it was impeding me from contacting or seeing him.
It's now been about three weeks since I saw him or even really spoke to him. In an attempt to find out how he feels about that I created a fake facebook profile for one of his mates. I then emailed him asking how he was, what he'd been up to, how's his love life etc. And (this is how stupid he is) he fell for it, telling me all I needed to know. 'All blokes are complete nightmares', 'my love life could be loads better' etc etc.
He hasn't attempted contact for a week now. i think the message has gotten across.
Friday, June 6, 2008
I'll Get Over You, I Know I Will. I'll Pretend My Ships Not Sinking
Miss here (again),
Recently I have become surrounded by people that have been jilted in love...myself included. And I have been taking note of the different ways that people use to cope with the feelings of rejection and hurt and what they hope to achieve by it.
1) The Drunk - obviously will spend as much time as possible inebriated. Will change moods quickly; one moment staring vacantly into space, the next singing along to Yaz's 'Only You' with tears in their eyes, followed by an attitude filled rendition of 'I Don't Need a Man' by the Pussycat Dolls and then taking out their phone and to send a muddled heart wrenching yet angry text before having it taken off them. Will end the night lying on the floor with a can of Fosters singing 'Nothing Compares to You' whilst explaining why the words ring true.
What they hope to achieve - they secretly desire the ex that has hurt them will walk in and see the effect they have had. If they can see how hurt you are they will want to rescue you because they can not bare to see you in this much pain. On the flip side, if this doesn't work you will hopefully drink yourself numb of emotions.
The reality - the ex will thank God they managed to get out before your emotional issues bubbled to the surface, you turned to smack to cope and started nicking their stuff to fund your habit. May also find you somewhat pathetic for not being able to handle things.
2) The Bed Ridden - most recently summarised in SATC. Will not get out of bed for weeks, will not leave the house, lives in the dark, will scuttle into a room and lock the door if you approach them. If you do manage to get in their room then they will refuse to look at you and most likely roll over before telling you to 'Just leave me to die' in a quiet, yet heavy, voice.
What they hope to achieve - much like the above, the ex will see the effect they have had on you and will see that your life is not worth living without them. You loved them so much that without them your soul has become lead.
The reality - Your ex probably left you because you're a miserable fucker that constantly sulked when you couldn't get your own way.
3) The Rebounder - Will go out and shag anything that moves and will act like nothing is wrong at all. When questioned about how things are regarding their ex they will usually reply with "Who?? Oh them! God I haven't thought about them for ages, seems like a lifetime ago. Yesterday's news darling. Now have you met 'so and so'. They're a model and a millionaire and have 80 Porsches."
What they hope to achieve - Your ex will see how desirable you are and immediately regret their decision and be consumed by jealousy.
The reality - you're not fooling anyyone. We all know your pride has been damaged and so you're just trying to make yourself feel better. Unfortunately, the rest of the world just thinks you're a slag and your ex will look at you as used and dirty goods.
What they hope to achieve - this an attempt to say a great big 'FUCK YOU' to your ex. If you had stayed together then you could be partaking in all these interesting adventures with me and your life could be as amazing as mine. But you left me, so now you have to just live your boring, normal life whilst I am out being fabulous.
The reality - your ex probably left you cos you're a boring, smug bastard and your new found 'zest for life' smacks of a man in a midlife crisis. Stop trying so hard, you look desperate.
6) The Stalker - pretty routine. Will call at all hours, send things to work and home, leave you presents, sing songs outside your window. Will probably get nasty after a while if you don't give in. May slaughter a beloved pet and leave it boiling on a stove whilst you are out of the house.
What they hope to achieve - they think they're being super romantic and have put you on a pedastal. You are there to be worshipped...but after a while you must worship me back or I will KILL YOU!!! When the ex realises how much they are loved and how far you are willing to go for that love - how could they possibly refuse you?
The reality - you will only end up with frostbite and a restraining order. Let it go.
Please don't think I am judging you. I am writing this from experience. I have been all of these at one point or another.
Recently I have become surrounded by people that have been jilted in love...myself included. And I have been taking note of the different ways that people use to cope with the feelings of rejection and hurt and what they hope to achieve by it.
1) The Drunk - obviously will spend as much time as possible inebriated. Will change moods quickly; one moment staring vacantly into space, the next singing along to Yaz's 'Only You' with tears in their eyes, followed by an attitude filled rendition of 'I Don't Need a Man' by the Pussycat Dolls and then taking out their phone and to send a muddled heart wrenching yet angry text before having it taken off them. Will end the night lying on the floor with a can of Fosters singing 'Nothing Compares to You' whilst explaining why the words ring true.
What they hope to achieve - they secretly desire the ex that has hurt them will walk in and see the effect they have had. If they can see how hurt you are they will want to rescue you because they can not bare to see you in this much pain. On the flip side, if this doesn't work you will hopefully drink yourself numb of emotions.
The reality - the ex will thank God they managed to get out before your emotional issues bubbled to the surface, you turned to smack to cope and started nicking their stuff to fund your habit. May also find you somewhat pathetic for not being able to handle things.
2) The Bed Ridden - most recently summarised in SATC. Will not get out of bed for weeks, will not leave the house, lives in the dark, will scuttle into a room and lock the door if you approach them. If you do manage to get in their room then they will refuse to look at you and most likely roll over before telling you to 'Just leave me to die' in a quiet, yet heavy, voice.
What they hope to achieve - much like the above, the ex will see the effect they have had on you and will see that your life is not worth living without them. You loved them so much that without them your soul has become lead.
The reality - Your ex probably left you because you're a miserable fucker that constantly sulked when you couldn't get your own way.
3) The Rebounder - Will go out and shag anything that moves and will act like nothing is wrong at all. When questioned about how things are regarding their ex they will usually reply with "Who?? Oh them! God I haven't thought about them for ages, seems like a lifetime ago. Yesterday's news darling. Now have you met 'so and so'. They're a model and a millionaire and have 80 Porsches."
What they hope to achieve - Your ex will see how desirable you are and immediately regret their decision and be consumed by jealousy.
The reality - you're not fooling anyyone. We all know your pride has been damaged and so you're just trying to make yourself feel better. Unfortunately, the rest of the world just thinks you're a slag and your ex will look at you as used and dirty goods.
4) The Sensible - will stay in contact with the ex and try to keep things amicable. Will talk daily about things and try and keep a lid on their temper. The Sensible person will most often be heard saying 'But I really hope we can still be friends'.
What they hope to achieve - They don't want anyone to see that they actually have emotions. That is weakness. In keeping up a charade of pretending to be friends they get to keep the emotional crutch of their relationship and prevent the ex moving on before they do. Either by confusing the ex into wondering if they are actually still together or by making them feel really, really guilty.
The reality - won't last for long. Everyone around the ex will be telling them to put some distance between you and move on. Plus they probably dumped you because you're an unemotional robot with no passion.
5) The Smug Bastard - will pretend that life is absolutely fabulous. In fact, it's never been better. Will secretly stalk their ex and then beat them at whatever they are doing. For example, the Smug Bastard will find out their ex is going to the dog track, so book themselves into the Queen's enclosure at Royal Ascot. They start doing crazy things like skydiving in an attempt to appear interesting. Will probably decide to go travelling and see the world.
What they hope to achieve - this an attempt to say a great big 'FUCK YOU' to your ex. If you had stayed together then you could be partaking in all these interesting adventures with me and your life could be as amazing as mine. But you left me, so now you have to just live your boring, normal life whilst I am out being fabulous.
The reality - your ex probably left you cos you're a boring, smug bastard and your new found 'zest for life' smacks of a man in a midlife crisis. Stop trying so hard, you look desperate.
6) The Stalker - pretty routine. Will call at all hours, send things to work and home, leave you presents, sing songs outside your window. Will probably get nasty after a while if you don't give in. May slaughter a beloved pet and leave it boiling on a stove whilst you are out of the house.
What they hope to achieve - they think they're being super romantic and have put you on a pedastal. You are there to be worshipped...but after a while you must worship me back or I will KILL YOU!!! When the ex realises how much they are loved and how far you are willing to go for that love - how could they possibly refuse you?
The reality - you will only end up with frostbite and a restraining order. Let it go.
Please don't think I am judging you. I am writing this from experience. I have been all of these at one point or another.
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