The Accidental Boyfriend

Mr here,

I'm not really sure how to tell you this but I think I have a boyfriend. In a sense.

A couple of weeks ago I went out for an old school friend's birthday. It was nice to see a lot of my old friends I haven't seen for so long and even to finally have an official welcome back to my home-town. But I detected an eerie, almost sinister, over-excitement at my attendance. It seems they were all dead set on setting me up with their poor hang-dog gay friend, literally the 'only gay in the village' who was stood at the bar 'almost in tears' because some guy he met the previous night had failed to call. Knowing that feeling all too well, I rather altruiscally signed up to the challenge of 'participating in a bit of harmless flirtation' put forward by one of our mutual friends.

The problem is I flirt like Alan Partridge. I literally cannot do it. So, desperate to make the poor chap a bit more upbeat (as it was nearing midnight when it would then become his own birthday), I just went for the strategy of getting really pissed and letting him know I'm easy.

What a stupid mistake.

After a cheeky birthday kiss he told me he loved me. Really. I ignored it at first, thinking I must have misheard. Then it came again. This time I laughed it off, thinking maybe he had accidentally said it reflexively, like when you accidentally call your primary school teacher 'Mum'. By the third, fourth and fifth times I was looking for the door. Thankfully I was able to get myself into a taxi and home.

A couple of weeks later and, well, he's my boyfriend. I'm not sure how it happened as everytime I see him I am always dangerously drunk. I have however been sober enough to train him to know say 'like' if he feels the need to blurt out an 'L' word when he feels all warm and fuzzy. He has however mentioned such scary topics as meeting the parents, mini-breaks, and 'the future'.

The funny thing is I should get along with him. Regardless of the fact that I don't really fancy him at all and he seems to be genuinely retarded (he had too much fun in his 'clubbing days' apparently) he is lazy, unkempt, unmotivated and badly dressed, so we should be the perfect match.