10 Things I Hate About You

Mr again, hi there!

I should warn you that the following blog does contain profanity and sexual references so any parents reading with their children may want to have a quick skim through before letting their kids read it.

Sorry it's been a while (again). You're probably thinking I've been busy spending time with the new boyf; lazing around in bed all weekend as is mandatory for new couples in the honeymoon period. In reality I have been trying my best to hide from him and his...persistance. Upon realising that he actually looks like a bear (not a bear as in a big hairy gay man, an actual bear) I have limited his visits to one a week, for a few hours at a time. This decision was brought on my a number of catalystic events and discoveries.

1) He came in my eye leaving it sore for the entire next day. I do hope that sexual deseases and/or infections cannot be transmitted this way

2) When I asked to use his bathroom in which to have a quick shower before work I was handed a ripped, smelly brown towel and ushered into a dark room (the light-bulb has been missing since the night we met) that looked like something out of 'Bottom' or 'The Young Ones'.

3) He has just had to enrole on one of those drink driving courses after driving his car, whilst pissed, the whole 200 yards down the road to the local chinese take-away, only to crash into a lamp-post, runaway from the scene of the crime, then deny all knowledge when the police showed up seconds later

4) His favourite films are, and I quote 'I dunno, Pulp Fiction or Titanic I suppose. I've seen both of them a couple of times'

5) His 'best pants' are ripped, faded and saggy

6) One occasion when I was particularly drunk and maybe just a little bit unable to 'perform' I received cheers of encouragement such as 'come on [Mr], come on, come on!' like a dad trying to teach his son to ride a bike. After that there was absolutely no way it was happening.

7) He keeps talking about 'mini-breaks in the Cotswolds'. I honestly have no idea what this phrase means.

8) He keeps repeating the same anecdote about how one time he was in a club dancing near Heather Small from M People, unaware I have a) heard it a thousand times before, and b) that I hate Heather Small.

9) Apart from the aforementioned phrases, he doesn't really talk.

10) He doesn't stock tea in his house.

But despite these traits he is nice and down-to-earth and completely unpretentious. And, in these dire and desperate times, the only offer I've had in a while. Bless him.