Got Myself a Walking, Talking, Crying, Something Living Doll

Miss here,

So I have recently joined the world of internet dating. I have generally avoided this because I have always dreaded the question “So where did you two meet?” and having to reply “A website”. Cue knowing smirks and the fact that everyone knows you’re a loser that can’t get a date with anyone that’s not desperate.

But apparently that’s not the case in Gay World. I recently found out the three of my close couple friends all met online. And they’re good looking people, there’s no reason that they would have to do this. So I did some asking and got the reply ‘Oh God Miss how fucking old are you? Everyone knows the lesbian scene is shite so you have to pick and mix your own’. Oh right then.

Thing is did try it before. That’s how I ended up with the paedophile girl. And I got kicked off Gaydar Girls for apparently being homophobic. All I said was that I had been forced to join this website by my best friend who has a gun to my head and I don’t want to hear from any of you freaks. Now I didn’t mean all lesbians are freaks obviously, I meant that I didn’t want to hear from all those people with emotional issues; and let’s be honest loads of lesbians have ‘issues’.

But the powers that be wouldn’t listen to me and so I was booted out of Gaydar club.
So with those two experiences behind me the closest thing I got to internet dating is poking friends of friends on Facebook. It’s safe, you have things in common, and you don’t look like a mental. But after learning about this new found tolerance I set myself up on a relatively obscure dating website with a serious profile and the one decent pic of myself.

Then I sat back and waited. I thought, I am going to be chased for once. Bring on the girls. I will not go all out to impress someone when they obviously like someone else this time. No, if they come to me then obviously they are interested and that’s half the battle fought.

27 people have contacted me in the last week, in my opinion those are some good odds. Now let me tell you about the people I have heard from...

16 of those don’t have profile pics. Why? It’s not hard. Half the world has a Facebook profile with half their life caught on camera and uploaded. Don’t tell me you don’t know how. It’s obvious you’re ugly.

Following on from this – don’t put your occupation as ‘Model’ if you don’t have a profile pic and you’ve listed your height as 5”2.

Of the 27 there 19 women who don’t even live in the same city as me. In fact one person emailed me from Colorado and another from Syria. I don’t want to be a pessimist but I don’t think that relationship is going to work.

Two women emailed looking for friends. I don’t need friends. I have too many friends if anything. Any time I bloody talk to someone I end up being their friend. Why don’t you have friends in the real world?? Who did you go to school with? Who do you work with? Do you go out?

I have received emails saying things like this “If ure horny an up 4 nefink mail me an we can av sum fun XxXx” and “Hot horney single mum seeks strict partner” and a plethora of people called things like ‘Wild Gal’ and ‘Crazy Chick’ who describe themselves as both wild and crazy. Many would do absolutely anything for a laugh and their friends would describe them as wild and crazy. I don’t know how I gave the impression that I was looking for a horny retard with no self control over any impulses but there we go…

Of the 11 women who have kindly supplied pictures – 5 are obese, 3 look like they are in jail, 2 look like hookers and one is actually attractive, but is a Wild Chick that lives in Northumberland or something.

So I mentioned this to my friend B who is somewhat wiser than me on all things dating and sexual and she kindly told me that internet dating was acceptable about 3 years ago and now people only use the internet to organise group sex. So I asked about all the people that weren’t in relationships and were looking for someone on the internet. Apparently we’re just living sex toys for the happy couples.