My Funny Valentine

Miss here,

obviously am going to write a blog about Valentine's Day as, surprise surprise, I am single for it again. Whooooooo! This is about my 5th year single on Valentine's Day. Oh my god, how shocking is that?! I am going to email the Guinness Book of records and see if I win an award for 'Most Valentine's Days spent unloved by someone who is not part of a fanatical religious movement'.

If you are single on Valentine's Day, I don't want to make you feel bad, but think of it like this. Child killer Ian Huntley has a boyfriend and his ex, Maxine Carr, still loves him but you can't get anyone. That's right. A child killer is more desirable than you (and me). Don't feel bad about it, it's perfectly understandable - he kills children but you (and me) are just far too dull to contemplate sending a card too. Great.

Some noteable Valentine's Day highlights over the past few years.

1) Asking out a really fit girl, her saying yes, taking her to a really nice restaurant ... finding out she has a boyfriend.
2) Meant to go home and cook a lonely Mr dinner last year only to get pissed off my face with a boss I called the 'Poison Dwarf' and end up clubbing with my friend's boyfriend. I never found out whether she minded or not.

I honestly can't remember any others, i probably spent them drunk and moaning. Which is exactly what I plan on doing this year. Now you may think from the above that I do not like Valentine's Day. On the contrary, I love it. And, believe it or not, it's better if you're single.

This is how your day goes if you're in a relationship -

You get up, you know you have a card, you go to work, you may get flowers, you eat, you have sex. If you don't then you have a massive row and spend the night crying. If you're lucky someone will go all out and you get to spend the day looking incredibly smug and making the world feel jealous. This happens in 1 in 200 cases, so the chances are it's not gonna be you.

Now the Valentine's Day of a single person.

You get up, try and wait for the post but have to leave for work cos you're already late. You sit in work for a while hoping that you get a card from someone not in your immediate family. Start to think that maybe a bunch of flowers will come to your office or that person you've fancied for ages will ask you out or do some sweeping romantic gesture. Around 3pm you realise that none of your pathetic daydreams are going to come true. The jokes about having to fend off 10 trucks this morning are grating on you and you're looking forlornly at the crazy Eastern European Accountant and wondering if you have a chance.

So then you start the Facebook stalking of exes/ people you fancy/ people you used to fancy/ desparate search for someone you do fancy. Everyone is in a happy relationship but you. This gives you perfect excuse to start grumbling about why Valentine's Day is so shit. In reality you look around and no one in the office who is in a relationship has a desk full of flowers or diamonds hanging off every inch of skin. That's not the point, they could have but they just have lazy partners. You don't even have a partner who is lazy, so you can bitch all you want.

On the way home you grab a bottle of Tesco Value's finest Gin...as it's depression you plan on sinking into only Mother's Ruin will do. You walk in the door to find that not even an immediate relative has bothered to send you a card this year as even they think you're getting a bit old and desparate for this.

Thankfully, you have a handful of a friends in the same boat. You live with them. You're emotional defects are probably contagious and they are with you cos you have filled them with your 'unwanted' disease. So you spend the night getting hammered, reliving the glory years that absolutely never were, maybe crying a bit listening to Leann Rhymes. Around 3am you will probably finish off the night, in your underwear, standing on the table wailing along to a medley of Whitney's "Queen of the Night" and "I'm Every Woman".

The great thing is that this year Valentine's Day is on a Thursday, so when I call in sick to work on Friday with a screaming hangover my colleagues may be thinking the following things -

1) Miss obviously has some hot, secret life she hasn't told us about.
2) Miss is probably shagged out from all the shagging she shagged last night.
3) Miss may have been spirited away on a romantic break.
4) Miss probably didn't give a shit it was Valentine's Day and went out and had an orgy with the Victoria's Secret Models.

They definitely will not be thinking -

1) Miss is such a loser she can not make it through one Valentine's Day without falling to pieces, getting hammered, spouting a load of female cliches and is now lying in her stinking bed reading 'Bridget Jones' Diary'.